what heartbreak really feels like (shit. it feels like shit.)
HEARTBREAK. [It's a long one].
So in life we all experience different types of heartbreak. We experience them as a child, a teenager, a young adult, and even as an older and wiser individual. It will come when you least expect it, and go when you aren’t paying attention. Whenever you experience it, for whatever reason you do, heartbreak hurts deeply. I’m currently going through heartbreak. John Mayer best described my recent mornings in one of his songs; he says, “When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, The waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe.” I have never related to a song lyric more than I do right now. Waking up to another day where you still feel the same deep pain you did before, is the hardest part. Sleeping is the best part, because you don’t have to think about it. Your body, heart and mind is at rest. Once I’m up, and dressed it’s not so bad.
I have no idea where this post is going all I know is that I started my blog back in the fall to not only talk about fashion/beauty, but also have a space on the internet where I can let people in, be real with myself and anyone reading. I wanted to share my life openly. The heartbreak I’m currently going through will not be public for many reasons but my process may be shared on here because it is a big part of my life right now. In fact, it’s really what my life is centered around; my heart break, and how I’m dealing with it. If you’ve ever gone through a dramatic loss of a loved one, or a breakup so bad you feel like dying, then you know what I’m talking about. Don’t get me wrong, I have a peace that surpasses all understanding. I have a knowledge of what’s the best thing for me, but I have a pain that weighs heavy on my heart.
A pain that shortens my breath.
A pain that shows through my skin.
A pain that takes taste out of food and the caffeine out of coffee.
I carry this pain for now and I know that’s okay. That it won’t be like this forever. I will feel this way for a while. I’m not writing for someone to give me advice or tell me nice things. I don’t need to be reminded of the idea that ‘someday my prince will come’. I don’t want to dance to single ladies. I understand I need to lift my hands in worship. But right now, the Lord knows my heart. He sees my tears. He hears my countless crying nights. He knows the depth of my pain and He sees me where I’m at. He understands the lack of strength I have and He is okay with that. Man, God is so good.
I guess I am writing to really talk out heartbreak. Talk through heartbreak I should say. I’ve never gone through heartbreak in the way I am going through it now, so this is new to me. Please excuse any negative statements or hopeless comments I make. Understand this is what I’m going through and by reading this, you’re getting a glimpse into my heart where I hold this pain. Please take it lightly because the pain you have felt or will feel one day will be important for you to process through. Nonetheless this is me, I know this isn’t forever and I do have a hope in Jesus and am so excited for the season of my life where I won’t feel this way but for now, this is me.
I guess growing up I never thought of heartbreak this way. In fact I did all that I could emotionally to guard myself from ever having to go through this. When I got into my first relationship and saw it getting serious it scared me. When I love people, I love hard. If I’m your close friend, I don’t plan on going anywhere. I love you. I’m obsessed with you (in a good way). I support you, I’m your biggest fan. I’ll be on your side and stand up for you even if you make a mistake. I will put your wants before mine because when I love someone, I am all about that person. So of course in a romantic relationship it wasn’t any different.
I fell in love. Hard. I was head over heels, crazy in love with someone. They were the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I dreamt about before falling asleep. If anything in my life took place they were the first I wanted to tell. I wasn’t afraid (for the first time in my life) to fully be myself with someone. They made me laugh till I cried. And when I was crying they made me laugh until I stopped crying. They were always there and I felt comfortable, safe and at home with them. Like I said before, the heartbreak I’m currently going through will not be public but I think my process is important for me to share in whatever way I choose. I don’t think any details are necessary, only what I’m feeling and how I’m moving forward.
Now where was I? Oh right, being in love. So I loved him deeply. A love that made me smile when he wasn’t around. A love that helped me get through long shifts at work, or crazy classes throughout the week, a love that gave me strength when I had none. I loved this person so deeply that it became toxic. This is where our story turns from a magical fairytale to a harsh and dark reality. I think there are young girls out there that dream of a perfect relationship and settle for anything they can get. Then there are those who fall in love and everything is right, then you get comfortable and you forget how amazing that love was. If you’re insecure and broken, you convince yourself that what you see in front of you is what love is, and that's the best thing you’ll get, so stick it out.
What’s funny about the second option is most of the time you convince yourself that you’re ‘fighting for love’, and that ‘love is patient’. All of that is true in a certain context but I for me, it was my own insecurity. I’m learning so many things right now but one thing I’ve learned is that love is not at all like the movies. When people treat you like they don’t care, believe them. That will be the loudest “I love you” (or lack there of) you’ll hear. Because the movies romanticize the idea of waiting around and fighting for someone. The idea of eventual love sounds so poetic doesn’t it?
ONE DAY my prince will come. One day he’ll realize how amazing I am. If I continue to love him with all of me, maybe one day he’ll do the same. If I stick it out that means I REALLY love him. If I brush my hurt aside that means I’m loving him selflessly and that's what true love is right?
Well, maybe I don’t know. All I know is that isn't always the case. I think if someone forgot about you and all your amazingness, they’ll never know how to remember you again. I could be wrong but I’ve been someone to give out second chances. Heck, I gave out 10 chances. I talked about my feelings, my pain, my hurt. I showed my insecurities, I laid out my broken heart on the table and I still stuck around. Hoping that the broken pieces laid in front of the other person, would spark a change that would last.... ONE DAY.
This leads me to the next thing I’ve learned. I have learned that if you have stooped so low as to show someone how broken they have made you, then you stick around and they still do nothing about your hurt, pick up those broken pieces and walk the heck out. One, because staying there hoping they will do something will drain you of the little hope you have left. Two, they will never change. Ever (at least with you pathetically lingering around giving them slack for their own mistake). No matter how many times they say it with their mouth, no matter how many times you cried. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known them, or even how desperate you are to work it out. The best thing you can do is walk away. It feels like crap I know, I won’t lie. You’ll feel that way for a long time. It will be confusing because you’ll think, “Well, I walked away which is causing me this pain, so I did it to myself. I should go back to them since I’m the one causing myself this pain.” But here's a tiny bit of truth about being courageous no one told you, and that is, when someone starts to treat you terribly and you muster up the bravery to leave it behind, you will feel guilty. You just will. But you should know it was not your fault. It was never your fault. The only thing you did wrong was give that person more time than they deserved.
What stinks the most about that is the more time you give them “to realize their mistakes and change” the more time you allow them to hurt you and dig that pain deeper into your already wounded heart. If they can’t see how amazing you are you should leave, if they can’t see how amazing you are even after a second chance, you should leave. You should always leave someone who doesn’t see you and treat you the way you should be treated/seen. The heartbreak will come whether your single or taken, but it’s better to feel the pain alone than with someone who can’t love you in the right way. So this heartbreak that I feel is okay because I know I did what was right and that I won’t feel this way forever.
What I didn’t know about heartbreak was the reality of living with it. It’s really not as poetic as movies and songs make it. You always see the girl screaming out a song in her car and feeling powerful to take on the day afterwards. You always hear about the girl crying out of her car window as the world passes by but after she feels so much better. Well, that’s not reality. In fact heartbreak is less outwardly dramatic than that but definitely a lot more painful than anyone could ever show. Heartbreak is breaking down in public and strangers looking at you funny. It’s putting on your make up for the day and once you get in the car, you explode. It’s purging them from social media then out of nowhere, they like your picture or favorite your tweet and BOOM there goes the rest of your “great” day. It’s forgetting how to breathe when you wake up or having panic attacks when you think of throwing away their items.
It’s realizing that you haven’t smiled in a week and you gain 5 pounds by doing nothing. It’s crying in the shower, in the car, at work, school, church, with your friends, into your pillow, alone, around stranger and back again in the shower. It’s eating everything in your fridge on the kitchen floor, it’s eating nothing for days and getting sick. It’s being okay one day and the next you can’t get out of bed. It’s a back and forth in your mind if you did what was right. It’s the insecurities that feel highlighted and that pimple that won’t go away. It’s the voice inside my head that tells me this pain will never go away. It’s all of that times ten.
It feels like poo poo ( and that's the nice way of putting it). I won't lie. I can't fake it. It hurts. Bad.
The one and only thing that has been carrying me though, and I know can carry you, is JESUS. Okay yeah I get it, that's a cheesy thing to say. That's what everyone will tell you after a break up. "Trust in the Lord." "Let Him take care of you." To be honest, I could care less about those cute, church-y comments everyone feels obligated to say after a break up. Don't you know how horrible I feel? Don't you understand that I barely have the strength to lift my hands during worship let alone jump around and sing along to same upbeat song we sing every Sunday? It was hard enough to get dressed, drive myself here and be okay with sitting alone in this row, now you want me to pat my neighbors back and introduce myself to new people? We have to mingle after service, don't you get how hard it is to fake a smile, let alone shake the greeters hand.
If you're going through a rough patch and think any of these things know that I 100% understand you and have been there (still there on the hard days). But know that above all those thoughts, there is a truth you can't deny. Take away the service. Take away the worship band. Take away the encouraging parking lot signs. Take away the conveniently timed news videos. Take away the connect groups. Take away the lights and fog machine.
"TAKE IT ALL AWAY!" I proclaimed to God alone in my room on a Tuesday night. The one thing that remained..... was Him. It was Jesus.
I could pray for the pain to go away. I could pray for God to take me out of the season I'm in. I bet He would do it too. But when Paul prayed for the thorn to be taken out of his side God didn't reply with, "Okay, let's remove this trial from your life". Instead he said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Wow. In 1 Peter 2:21-25 you see Jesus quietly accept pain even though he did nothing wrong. Instead of looking for a scapegoat, Jesus took the pain, making our pain His pain. The Lord knows your hurting. He wants to comfort you during this time. He wants you to turn to Him as your source. He holds the light at the end of the tunnel in His hands. He holds the answers to your questions. He holds your future. He holds the freedom to your sin. He holds the joy you'll have one day. He has it and He wants you to come to Him to receive it. He's the only one who can mend you, comfort you, and give you a better tomorrow.
All in all, heartbreak is horrible. Never fun. No one wakes up in the morning saying, "Ooo I hope someone breaks my heart today!" It comes when you least expect it and leaves when you don't notice. Trust that this is only for a moment. Trust that there will be a day where you don't feel this pain anymore. And lastly, trust that God has a plan for your life. A plan of true love, happiness, success, health, and even all the little things you want in life (like an endless supply of iced lattes or All Saint jeans). I leave you with this verse from Psalms 91.
"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God, "I'll get you out of any trouble. i'll give you the best of care if you'll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. I'll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!"
As Always, this has been
As Told By,