Bare. Exposed. Uncovered. Stripped Down. Have you ever felt naked? And no I'm not talking about the time of the day you shower and therefore you are not clothed, I'm talking about a level of vulnerability that leaves you naked. You know the kind we as humans try to avoid, or others are just naturally good at being. Yes that's the kind. In the past few weeks I have been practicing a new level of honesty with myself and those around me. I say that as if I usually lie, but I don't. I mean, I guess I do. I guess we all do, in a sense.
There's the typical, "Hey How are you doing today" and you reply, "Great, how are you" When you really mean, "Actually my life is a mess. My bank account is running dry. I'm hungry. I'm ugly. I'm gaining weight and I think I have grown a 4th chin. Oh and the person I like doesn't like me back. What about you?" And yes I see this as a form of dishonesty, but this isn't exactly what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a type of bareness you hold forever as a form of strength. A type of honesty that tells on yourself before your mistakes can. A type of vulnerability that scares you from some of life's greatest things (friendships, love, etc..). This is the type that (if you actually take the leap of faith to have) will draw people to you, boost the quality of connections you have and ultimately the life you live.
In the infamous words of today's social media philosopher Kylie Jenner, "It's the year of realizing things." It may have been the most meme-able quote on twitter for a bit, but it's true. I have discovered so much about myself and others that the need to be 100% bare has become more and more strong in my life. For someone who wears her heart on her sleeve and can not hide her facial expressions for the life of her, I tend to suppress a lot. I tend to hide a lot of what I feel. I do so because I don't want to burden anyone, especially the one's I'm afraid of loosing the most. It's something I'm working through, but it's there and now I can see that in myself. Self-Discovery is awesome like that.
With that knowledge I have been doing a lot of praying and thinking about how I can be more open, vulnerable and honest and I instantly thought about social media/blogging. It's something I have used for years to express my thoughts, and share my favorite moments in life, but it can also be a dark place. A place where you stay up an extra hour (or 4) just staring at people's highlight real comparing it to your day to day life. You start seeing people do amazing things with their life and here you are questioning what's your life purpose. People don't share the dark days on their Instagram page, or the days where nothing special is going on. We don't get to see that on social media. There's a lack of brutal honesty and I want to start filling that gap.
So here we go.......Here's 10 honest truths about my life right now.... (deep breath)
1. Recently it seems like the more and more I say "Yes" to God the more life is against me. I struggle with having the "fullness of joy" when I am obeying God and it's hard. I understand that's the test, but because I'm being honest, it sucks. I spend a lot of my car rides just crying to God out of confusion.
2. Last month I sold clothes to Avalon Exchange and Plato's Closet to buy groceries.
3. I had my last therapy session two weeks ago and I miss it.
4. I struggle with the idea that I don't really deserve good things in life. Love, success, happiness and therefore when anyone shows any interest in me, I deny it to the end. I have a hard time accepting gifts or compliments. I don't want anything in my life unless I worked hard to earn it, which keeps me from receiving God's blessings in my life.
5. Last week I had a really bad day. I felt that everything I was working towards (nyc, my blog, my mental and emotional stability, finances, ect) and nothing was happening, in fact it was getting worse. I cried in my car and drove to McDonald's. I ordered myself 2 big mac meals and yes I ate both in one sitting in my car.
6. A pair of jeans I bought in January no longer fit me. I just had the courage to throw them away a couple days ago.
7. Change is one of my biggest fears.
8. Most Friday nights I spend it folding clothes while watching Netflix, and I don't hate it.
9. I suck at being vegan (hence the McDonald's run I made earlier)
10. I debated even re-branding my blog several times. Again, change scares me.
As Told By,