REFLECTION [ a look inside of my life]
I've been doing that a lot lately, Reflecting. Not exactly sure why, but it's been a thing. In fact, I didn't even realize I was doing it. I was convinced I was going through a quarter life crisis. I dramatically told all my friends of this 'quarter life crisis' and it dawned on me, many things.
*If you want a more defined image of who I am inside and out think of Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City. Throw out the sex, and toss in some Jesus and BOOM. You got me. So get used to some dramatic and overly emotional statements in these "in my feels" posts.*
Okay, Where was I? Oh yeah, quarter life crisis. So yeah, I was waking up every day in a grey state of mind. Just going through the motions of life and frustrated with many things. I was wondering so much about my past, present and future. This lead into a weird few weeks of feeling unsatisfied. If I could sum up the past two months of my life, it would be in one word: unsatisfied. Unsatisfied with my life and where it is, and where it's headed. Not sure why, or what I did to create this God awful emotion but it's there.
Then one morning I went for a run (my favorite) and started talking to God. Actually. that's a lie, it was more like yelling. I was so frustrated in my situation. Why did things have to be this way? Why is it that I don't feel beautiful anymore, wanted anymore, important anymore, valuable anymore? How come I wake up and dread my life? How come my prayers haven't been answered? How come I don't see change in certain areas? I asked God all these things and more. I showed Him how truly frustrated I was. I opened up in a new way. I put aside the churchy sayings, I wasn't worried about remaining positive. I wanted answers and I wanted it now! I was more worried about my current state then trying to pretend like I got my stuff together. Because let's be honest, I'm a mess. 25/8.
But later on that week I was fasting, praying, staying stead fast to my devotion though I didn't want to. I ended up having a meal with a friend in which they said, "I don't think you're having a quarter life crisis, I think you're just unhappy." It kind of dawned on me in that moment. That all I needed was for someone to listen to me, and not agree with my overly dramatic ginger self.
[SIDENOTE: make sure you have people in your life who don't just nod they're heads when listening to you, but actually care enough about you to tell you what's up.]
This person then continued to listen and give advice that I knew was all right but had a hard time swallowing. I love and hate opening up to people. I LOVE opening up to people because:
You put yourself outside of your comfort zone.
Sometimes the other person actually listens, understands and cares for you (which is the best feeling ever.... to be understood.)
And people get to know you, which in turn helps you feel less alone.
But I HATE opening up to people because:
It's hard making eye contact
Awkwardly smiling at things that aren't funny or pleasant... la di dah.... just smiling... lol.
Fear of rejection.
Risk of putting yourself out there, and then they don't understand.
Anyways back to pancakes and life talks. So as I continue venting about each situation in my life, this person then proceeds to tell me that they just think "I'm unhappy" that I need to "do me" and know that in life the only person who can really make you happy (other than Jesus of course) is yourself. At the end of the day, you're the only one who truly knows what you want, and if you don't, you're the only one who truly doesn't know what you want. That seems silly, but if you think about it, it's true. Earlier that week I had done so much stuff that I personally didn't really want to do, but did it anyway to make someone else happy. By the end of the week, I was exhausted, cranky and fed up. I then reflected on my week and realized, "This whole week, everything I did, was to please someone else. I sacrificed everything I had planned, everything I wanted to do, to instead do something else for someone else."
This is okay sometimes, in fact, a lot of times. I feel as if in life if you only live for yourself, you're gonna live a lonely life, but in the same respect if you only live for others, is your life "your" life. If you sacrifice your dreams for others, is that being selfless or a floor mat? I see it as being a floor mat. That's when I realized I've been a floor mat. But not to just one person or even many people, but to many THINGS. I had let people treat me less than I should be treated. I have let inconsistent friends talk themselves into thinking they are still tight with me when in fact I haven't seen them in months. I have allowed people above me to think little of me instead of showing them how much I can truly do. I let people think I'm tiny, dumb, weak, a goof, instead of showing them me (doing another post on this very topic soon.)
After reflecting back and realizing all of this I have come to the agreement with my friend. I am unhappy. I don't think this is where I will be forever. In fact, my unhappiness in my current situation will probably be the only thing (again other than the grace of God) to get me out of this season. I'm not saying I cry every day now, no. I just realized that this is REALLY not where I want to be, and I need to DO ME. I can't keep worrying about the amount of years invested in a relationship, the friendships I could leave behind, or the title and positions I worked so hard to achieve. I'm not saying I'm moving or feel called to something crazy big, because I don't right now. All I'm saying is limits off!
It's time to get uncomfortable. To stay uncomfortable, for a while. it's time to step out. To work hard, pray hard, fast hard because this isn't where I want to be and I know God has more for me. I know in every situation that God can turn it around for the good. I'm not saying my life stinks or that everything is bad because it's not. Have you ever just prayed the same prayers for so long and don't see them answered? Have you ever felt like life moves on but you're still going through the same situations just with different people? Yeah, so because of that, I need to let go and let God. If God calls me to move, I move. If He calls me to stay, I stay. If God calls me away from the people in my life, then away I go. If it's to stay, then stay I will be. Whatever it is, I am in a place mentally where I will drop everything and just do it. Maybe a few weeks ago I wouldn't have.
So that's a step. A step forward. Any step forward should be celebrated. Just like a baby's first step, you record it, scream or cry for joy and share the story with all your closet friends and family. This is my step. In no way am I a baby. I think mentally/spiritually I'm more than that. But baby's only want to walk more because they see mommy & daddy radiating with joy in their growth. So I will be my own mommy and daddy right now and celebrate. Celebrate by telling all of you on my blog, taking these cute picture with my friends sunglasses (thanks Olivia) and probably a brownie (they make me happy.)
If you find yourself in the same boat or maybe you've been here before, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I promise I don't have it all together (as you can probably tell) so I won't judge. I just love feedback and connecting to others. Let me know what you think. In the meantime, I'll be washing off this face mask and reaching for another brownie! Until next time this has been of course...
As Told By,