the beauty in life + why i moved to nyc


hi.

it’s been a hot minute since i have posted on my blog. it’s been even longer since i took the time to sit down and write from my heart. i used to do this a lot and loved it. i found it to be my escape. the way words can express emotions. how some stranger could read them and relate to me even though we don’t know each other. i loved typing them out in my laptop and reading over it when im done. it was a way for me to release, to learn and to grow. i’ve been feeling stuck in a lot of areas in my life for so long and so much has changed since i started feeling that way. i want to get back to that place where i run to words late at night rather than my instagram feed. i want to run back to my books and my favorite writers instead of what’s on my netflix. i wanna get back to the things in life that make me feel real, confident, more myself, and most importantly truly fulfilled.

i mean, isn’t that we are all looking for?

if you’re anything like me than you overthink a lot, you’re a big dreamer with ideas floating in your head at all times, and you enjoy evolving by looking within. if i had it my way, i’d grab a coffee, pick a wild flower and head over to washington square park to get lost in the words of slyvia path and e.e cummings. maybe it’s the pisces in me, but i love to escape the insanity of our world into my own world. whether thats poetry, dance, film photography, traveling, or a person - i need it. it’s my little slice of heaven.


anyways, i have had so much on my heart that i forgot i loved to write and now that i’m cuddled up to my favorite sweats and beach house album (depression cherry of course) it’s all pouring out of me - i just cant help it. tonight i wanted to write about why i moved to nyc, how it’s been so far + my thoughts up till this point.


i moved to nyc (well jersey city where my mom lives rn now.) as seen on my instagram you probably know i’ve been really busy and enjoying every second of it. but i love getting real with you all and here’s where that happens. i have wanted to move to nyc for a long time now. it never worked out for me and for so long i resented that. i would be angry and bitter at everyone else who’s life and dreams came ‘so easy’ to them. why was it that anything i wanted i had to struggle for it? this is a reoccurring thought i have. i don’t know if it’s because as a child i didn’t have much, my family always struggled and i rarely talk about how bad it got for us at times, but that does shape a person and i can’t deny that. if i wanted to take dance classes i had to pay for them, work for them, not hang out with friends at the mall. after so many of my hobbies, i just learned to fight with elbows and wrists to get what i wanted. i DO appreciate it because it has made me a hard worker. someone who has pride that no one can take away from me. i feel mentally and emotionally more capable of handling shit than most of my friends, but irregardless there was resentment in my heart for a long time. why does that persons parents get to send them away to nyc for school? how come they have money and i don’t? i work harder and longer than them. how come im 25 and i just now get to see this dream play out? i don’t have the answers but i know that everything happens for a reason. i know that the way i have fought and worked for just the simplest of things has made me the person i am today. i talk to my bosses when i feel mistreated. i remind the clerk of the discount they forgot to give to me. i don’t take shit from friends or partners. and i dont fuck around just cause im young, and i get it. sometimes it can be easier to just pay the extra $3, or forgive that person again, or let your friends walk all over you - but life is too short to be unhappy, unfulfilled, and not where you want to be. that’s why i moved.



so when it came to nyc i fought. for a long time. maybe one day i’ll write a book about that. let’s just say lots of money, anxiety attacks and therapy sessions later i am here. now that im here i have learned so many things.

i have learned that:

1. fighting doesn’t mean you will win.

no matter how hard you throw a punch, or how long you stay in the ring, there’s nothing worse than someone who is just BETTER than you. someone who has the best training in the business, or the best connections. there will be things out of my control and that’s okay. i can’t always win the dream the way i want to win it and when. since we are talking about winning, it’s not something to win anyways, and keep as a trophy on your shelf. it’s something you get to carry in your heart day in and day out no matter what.

2 i have learned that life is most of the time not going to work out the way you want it to.

6 months ago i was single and very much excited at the idea of moving to nyc. then i met someone. didn’t think i had the capability to care again the way i have but it just happened. now i live in nyc and that person lives in orlando. saying “see you later” was the hardest thing i had to do. i wake up and it’s hard. i have the ‘start of my dream’ but i don’t have that person next to me. i can’t begin to count the amount of times i wake up sad or go to bed crying but life doesn’t always happen the way you’d hope it would. sometimes you fight and sometimes you have to care with your hands open. giving you and the person freedom to live their best life, hoping if that person/situation stays it’s because it was meant to. it’s because they wanted it to and did what they had to, but if not - you had the beautiful opportunity to care freely. it’s the hardest type of care and passion you can have for someone freely, and that requires you to be 100% selfless. you cheer them on while you lay in bed alone…again. you get a raise, while you walk to the train alone. it’s hard, but dreams are worth it. at least i hope this one is.


all in all, it’s been great. my new job is wonderful and i love being surrounded by strong women who work hard, so hard. i love being in a city where you could be crying on a train and the skyline is right there for you. or the wild flowers in washington square park are just begging to be plucked and tucked into the strands of your hair. or the way the sun sets against the brick buildings as if to say, “it’s okay - go home. tomorrow is another day.” starting your dreams is way too romanticized by the movies. you don’t always feel like will smith in the pursuit of happiness at the very end. you don’t always drive away in a glass carriage with your prince charming. it’s more like glitchy facetime calls with a loved one. or working your first day and getting home and it just hitting you - in the form of your feet throbbing and your back killing you from carrying your bags,


but

in the littlest of moments, when life catches you and you let it. you see the beauty of it all. it’s like life is a swift current of wind that’s invisible and passes by people every day. it longs for you to notice it even though it knows it’s invisible. it hopes you’re not too distracted by your phone, emotions or your agenda. it knows it cant stay long so most likely people won’t catch it. but when you do - everything sorta stops. slows down and becomes all consuming. you feel the wind in your hair, the pavement beneath your feet and you see things you hadn’t seen before. whenever i’ve been open enough to see this it’s been beautiful. it makes the ache of someone not being next to you a little less painful. or the fear of failure a little less real. it makes chaos look more beautiful and light, and you realize it’s all worth it. life is worth living, no matter what your past says. dreams are worth pursuing, no matter how many people get it “handed” to them. people are worth investing in, no matter how many times they hurt you. and that one special person is worth all the glitchy facetimes, no matter how much you pay for great WIFI.

so just remember, it’s all worth it - not just in the end but NOW.

it’s all beautiful when we stop all the madness inside our brains and take a look around.

wherever you are in your pursuit of love, dreams, or fulfillment. it’s all alright.



As Told By,

Amanda

Amanda Smith3 Comments